10.23.2012


I've cried twice this week and it's only Monday. This kitchen table is more of a university pamphlet/application form display case more than it is a kitchen table. I biked to school in the dark and I biked home in the dark (such is almost winter prairie living). I've fought with my parents, I've scrawled viciously into my journal, and it almost feels like there's no weather at all. 

So I left everything, even if only for a few minutes. I lit a paper lantern down at the lake tonight. It was zero and windy and it didn't fly. Still, I left my discontent there on the beach. In the dark I started anew. 

But some things, I kept. Because I didn't want to forget the good in the bad days. My bike rides, as dark as they've been. They mean a thermos of Oh Canada in my backpack pocket and the Vinyl CafĂ© in my ears. The prayers I scrawled out so viciously, but were answered the next morning (He is so good). Standing out on the deck in for no other reason than to feel alive; to feel Winter coming. Sidewalk chalk palms and late night filmmaking. That one city evening when we had Mexican breakfast for supper at Stella's. Sweet Rayvn, who lay with her head on the small of my back and let me cry. She said nothing. It was exactly what I needed to hear. 

--
Something I wrote yesterday.

27 comments:

  1. This. This is the most beautiful thing you've written yet. No, beautiful is the wrong word--aching, soul-baring, raw in sadness yet glimmering with a lining of hope. I've read it three times already and my eyes keep darting up to read some more. You are a master. And I'm keeping you in my prayers; this time of year and this time of our--your--lives are hard. I'm there whenever you need a listening ear or a place to vent. Love you.

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  2. Beautiful, raw words, Abbey. I always enjoy reading your posts, because I feel I can identify with you. Remember that He loves you, and that He is the ultimate Healer of the heart. xo

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  3. Yesterday was really hard for me, too. I could have written that first sentence myself. And this afternoon wasn't a lot better, to be honest, although I am cautiously optimistic right now. I am so glad you have friends to make you feel better. That's what we all need. <3

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  4. Abbey, thanks for sharing this. I hope that you find joy again and that life isn't so grey. Don't you hate that life is such a rollercoaster? God chooses to mold us when we're weakest. Not saying you're weak, but maybe God's trying to show you something.

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  5. I'm sorry you've been blue :( I can relate! I hope that you are feeling better soon.

    -Leanna

    p.s. Carlotta is right-you are a master of words. Keep writing!

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  6. oh no, I've found myself blue too! But tomorrow the sun will shine again and your spirit will soar anew.

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  7. This makes me happy and sad all at once. Growing up is hard to do, and the truth is they lie to us, because I don't think there ever is a point where you think "ok, now I'm all grown up", but that's the strange beauty in it isn't it? Being always young in some shap or form. All this is to say, as hard as it can be, breathe through the growing pains. The sun will come out. God is good and you have one heck of a future, girl.
    Lots of love

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  8. This is making me cry. Your heart is so beautiful. I want to print these words out and slip them in my journal, so I can memorize them and quote them word for word. I love you so much.

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    1. also. ps. we never had a chance to Skype, but I miss you (and katie and carlotta) lots and lots, so let's do that soon.

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  9. Abbey, I love this because it's kind of a reminder that you are real. You have struggles. You cry, and sometimes fight with your parents.
    Sometimes I tend to elevate bloggers on this super high level, when they struggle with things I do too. Thanks for being real girl. :)

    xx,
    Natalie
    www.ihavemusings.blogspot.com

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  10. if it makes you feel any better, i've cried three times this week and it's only tuesday. i've been going through that 'i love you/i hate you' stage with my parents, two littles that i love dearly have just moved away, my future is ever-so quickly becoming my present and the presidental debates aren't helping in the least. i thought i didn't have anyone to cry on, but my sister actually understands. she's only seven, so she doesn't say any words of wisdom, really, except "it's okay, we're having fried chicken for dinner!" or something like that, she just scratches my head and let's me get it all out. sometimes she says we don't really get along, but it's not true, we have our differences and we love each other for them. so last night we read "a tree grows in brooklyn" together and related over francie's love for books, and listened to the song that's been helping me through these sort of days: "when you've got trouble" by liz longley. i don't know. some people make it better by saying the most phenomenal things and some people just make it better by breathing.

    the point is, abbey, darling, that there are far far better things ahead than any we left behind (gotta love lewis). and i can't wait to see what's ahead for you. :)

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  11. This post is absolutely beautiful Abbey. So raw and real and such a good reminder that we all go through hard times but that the good always outshines the bad. Yesterday wasn't a good day for me either. I cried two different times in two different airports because I was so overwhelmed and overtired and was travelling on my own, but I'm home now, and rested, and feeling ten times better. I guess everything gets better with time. Sometimes it's just hard to remember that.

    I hope that tomorrow and the rest of the week goes well for you and that you feel better! :)

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  12. i love gazing into your few, but meaningful photographs, then reading the honest, raw and beautiful paragraphs below it...one of the reasons i love your blog so much, abbey ;0

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  13. this is beautiful. so real and...honest. nobody, nobody goes through life without tough times and it's not even as if those times can be made into something beautiful or lovely. sometimes those weeks when everything goes wrong, it simply just. goes. wrong. isn't it interesting how discontent just slips into our lives? so subtly? from just one thought. it's so dang sneaky. anyway. this was beautiful and you're beautiful. thanks for sharing.

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  14. This was so beautiful and real and honest and poignant, and oh, Abbey, so what I needed to hear. Discontent and bad days happen. But God is so much bigger then the worst of days and the most heart-wrenching discontent. Weird as it may sound, I'm prayin' for you. =) Do you mind? xo

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  15. don't we all have this feeling? what's beautiful is that you put it into words so perfectly, and your honesty and grateful outlook on life through it all. this too shall pass, my dear. keep your chin up

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  16. I've also fallen into a bit of a.. rut, you could call it. Sort of like mid-October blues and some pain. Let's hope for the best in the weeks to come.

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  17. i've had a tough week too. hang in there!

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  18. amazing and so powerful. I love this Abbey!
    Sarah x x
    http://lovefrom-me.blogspot.co.uk

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  19. wow. i have felt like this too. don't give up, because when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer. i promise. (and, david's tea is the best for tough days... or pretty much any day.)

    xoxo

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  20. We've all been there. Also, just cause you said you were listening to the Vinyl Cafe, I thought I would tell you that Stuart is my neighbour. When I see him I will say a special hi just for you!

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  21. You speak my soul, Abbey doll. I love your words and honesty and perseverance.
    xoxo

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  22. I remember those heartrending college decisions so well. The storm is worth it. So, so worth it. He teaches in ways otherwise impossible, and His answer, if subtle, is beautiful. Hugs.

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  23. Awwh well I hope you decide well...your words touched my heart...as always. :)x

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  24. A good cry makes everything better.
    I am curious to hear what college/uni decisions you are contemplating.

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  25. Wonderful post.*_*
    Maybe follow each other on BLOGLOVIN and GFC???
    My Blog

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  26. Dear Abbey. This was me last year. Trying to figure out school, and the rest of my life. Fighting with my parents. and crying. lots and lots of crying. But life happens, and it makes you stronger. Love you my dear cousin <3

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